Eat, Sleep, Anxiety, Repeat

OK so not quite…

Trying to think of what to call a blog post feels important, this just sprung to mind, its not like that every day for which I am very grateful as some people do face this, but it is a frustrating cycle when a few things crop up. I did google the phrase just out of interest to see if anything came up and was interested to find Amazon selling a t-shirt with the phrase on it! Might pass on that one!

Linked or not…

Its easy to link other things to anxiety, so if you are feeling a little unwell, general ‘normal’ worries, a lack of self confidence. With the last one I think there has to be a link, I don’t remember feeling this was an issue when I was younger. I think it is very much a symptom of the over thinking patterns that come with anxiety, the over analysing of comments, situations, thoughts.

I have been offered the chance to manage a project at work, its sounds like a really great project and a great opportunity for me to be challenged, gain experience and contribute to something that will help others. What you will notice is a chance to demonstrate my skills and ability didn’t appear there, and that is because my immediate thoughts were that someone else would be able to do it better, do I really have the experience and skills to be able to deliver on something so important? I think everyone is mistaken and the other stuff I do accept I have done well, doesn’t qualify me to do this.

I have spoken to a few colleagues about it, all of whom are very supportive, think it is a great opportunity and that I can do it and do it well. I now of course have over analysed that and feel like a bit of an idiot for sharing with the person giving me the opportunity that I’m not sure I’m good enough and are they sure someone else couldn’t do a better job! Doh!

I then of course get frustrated with myself for it, I CAN DO THIS!!! I NEED TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF

Free trip to Europe eeek…

So you get told an application has been accepted foR 3 lovely colleagues and myself to visit another University in a European country to see how they do what we do, learn from them and share what we do. Everyone else is pleased at the news, me? Nope! Panic! My anxiety went up through the roof skywards.

It must seem ridiculous really when this Christmas I will be flying to Miami and boarding a cruise ship for 10 days visiting numerous places to then have a long flight home so why would a short flight, less time away cause this reaction?

Its a control thing…

I have spoke about this in previous blogs, but the difference is the control I perceive I have or, more so, that I don’t. Its also timings, they are very important for my ‘preparations’. So when I go to America, I will ensure I take anti-diarrhoea medication at the right time so I know my anxiety won’t set off my tummy and I won’t be ill on the plane. Once on the ship I have a safe place of my cabin to be if I need too, I know by now the schedule for medication wearing off, what that means, when to then plan to be on the ship near facilities and when I can take more ‘precautions’ to venture further afield and indeed prepare for the flight home.

Additional breakfast items just to prepare to go meet friends for lunch! (cereal was weetos!)

With the work trip my immediate thoughts are the only bit I can control is ensuring I am ok for the flight out, after that it could be anything. So at present I am trying not to look at it as this massive big thing, we need to decide where we are going and for how long and what we might do when we are there, then I can try to break it down and see how, and ultimately if, I feel I can do it. The thing I want too do it, it would be a great experience and great people to do it with but unfortunately sometimes that cannot override the anxiety.

Best get on…

Enough rambling from me for one day, I am ‘prepared’ for my lunch out in one respect but now have a much bigger issue of, do I actually have anything to wear thats not jogging bottoms and a t-shirt!!

Seriously though, feel a bit conscious writing this one, exposing my current issues when I’m already feeling a bit of a div but again I do it in the hope its helping others and while I keep getting messages from people when I post confirming they get it or can relate then I think its really important to share my reality of this.

Enjoy the sunshine

Claire x

• Posted in: Anxiety ♦ Mental Health