Off we sailed

Out at sea…

Wow more than three months since my last blog, you may remember I was feeling worried about a trip with work to Europe, well that all happened last week and it was quite the trip so, as ever, and following some very positive feedback last blog post (which has encouraged me to keep writing), I am going to share in the hope it helps people out there.

So you may be wondering why the reference to the sea? Well we actually ended up travelling by boat rather than flying, it meant we could visit multiple Universities all in one trip while saving money on the comparative version flying and hotels etc so off we went setting sail from Southampton.

I would say about an hour in I got a sharp dose of reality, I don’t think it had all felt real up until that point, all the hours of planning and prep but it was as if it was going to be someone else going not me. It literally hit me like a tidal wave, the anxiety that is (I can’t promise that will be the last pun!). I wouldn’t say it was quite a full on panic attack but I didn’t feel far from it struggling to stay composed. I just thought oh my god what in earth am I doing, I can’t do this, Ivor (hubby) my rock, my support isn’t here, I can’t do this alone.

Time out…

To avoid a full meltdown on deck I took myself off to the cabin, I did then pretty much have a full meltdown, it wasn’t a pretty site to be fair but I think I just had to get it out, get the fear out, realise I actually have to do this, I couldn’t exactly get off in the middle of the sea.

I think reflecting back, it seems slightly irrational but also feels like something I needed to do, like a reset, so I could say ok enough now, we are where we are for the next week I need to deal with each day at a time.

Making new connections…

So to the reason for the trip, to visit new institutions, find out about their research, how they collaborate and connect, what we can learn from them and tell them about the work we do. These visits involved travelling by taxi, coach, walking a fair distance, so you can imagine time away from facilities for my peace of mind never mind the feeling of what happens if I don’t feel great when I am there.

This was such a great opportunity I knew I had to do it, I made my usual preparations, it was hard, I felt rubbish as always but I did go to all the visits and I am so pleased I did. I would say it was one of the most rewarding weeks of my career, we were made to feel so welcome by everyone, they wanted to impress us (we thought we were trying to impress them!), the meetings went on far longer than scheduled just because there was so much to talk about. It’s early days but I know we have made some lasting relationships and we can work together and collaborate going forwards so mission accomplished.

Feeling proud…

As the week was drawing to a close, we had made our final visit and were heading back for the UK, I sat back and thought about all I had done, all I had achieved. It might not seem much to most, so I made some visits and presented to some people, but to me doing it, being fully present, I actually felt really proud of myself. Dealing with heightened anxiety multiple days in a row is hard, it literally zaps your energy but I did it all, even did a bit of cycling in some free time!

Of course I would rather not feel like it at all but it is so important to recognise the good bits, the achievements, the successes.

I have the best team mates ever…

I am very lucky to have worked with some amazing, lovely, supportive, kind people in my career and am very proud to call those people my friends. I am also very lucky that has continued in the role I am in now with new colleagues. I literally could not have done everything I did last week without their support, they would say different but they honestly don’t know how much it makes all the difference to know you don’t have to pretend, to be able to be honest about how you are feeling and what is worrying you and them still say it’s ok we’ve got your back. Amanda, Clare and Jen thank you so very much.

Back on dry land…

So here we are, back on dry land, back to the more traditional day job but with a new enthusiasm, many many ideas and a big report to write on our findings!

As always I hope I can take forward the positives from the trip and try not to dwell too much on the struggles, I hope it will give me a little more strength to tackle the next challenge on the horizon.

Take care until next time, Claire

• Posted in: Anxiety